All my single ladies. No actually, all my single moms. No, actually all my single parents. Ugh, yes that is the target audience for this. Isn’t that a struggle in our culture both inside and outside the church? If you’re reading this you may not relate to Christianity, but you may relate completely to divorce and raising a kid on your own. It’s ingrained in our culture nowadays. It’s unfortunate but true.
"If you’re reading this you may not relate to Christianity, but you may relate completely to divorce and raising a kid on your own."
I recently met with an influential person in the Toms River community. We were talking about how everyone has something hidden in their closest. He referenced my “Daddy Daughter Day.” I post about it on social media and he had seen it. I take Fridays as a day off since I work Sundays. So, on Friday I spend the day with my 2 year old daughter. My wife and I have three amazing children and she is our youngest. However, given our culture, his assumption was that I had a child out of marriage with someone else. He thought Fridays were my day with my daughter in that context. It was funny, sad, and eye-opening all at the same time.
I grew up in a broken home. My parents divorced when I was in the 4th grade. I spent most of my childhood with a single mom. My parents remarried later in my high school days, so the days between were influenced by the reality of divorce.
I asked my mom what gave her hope and perspective during those troubling days. I asked her because this, like many areas of the country, is a major issue in our community. Many in our community must deal with raising kids in a single parent home. My perspective will always unapologetically be God’s word. I want to share three items I think are helpful to those in this situation. Whether you agree with the Bible or not, my prayer is that these are helpful for you.
"Whether you agree with the Bible or not, my prayer is that these are helpful for you."
Learn to Grind.
Back in the day ‘grinding’ was a dirty dance term. Perhaps that led to divorce. Team Khloe. Oh man, bad joke. Ok, what I mean by that, is learn to hustle. Learn to fight through. When major life issues arise we live in a culture growing with excuses. My Dad use to say, “You don’t get to pick the cards you are dealt, but you choose how to play them.” It has always stuck with me. The situation before me is what it is. Maybe it’s my doing, maybe it isn’t. But no matter what I have a choice. How will I proceed? Making excuses never makes a situation better. It breeds complacency and mediocrity. I never saw my mom make an excuse. What I saw was a woman who fought life with a daily grind. She knew making excuses would get her nowhere. So, when money was tight, she got a second job. When money was tight, she brought work home and we tackled it as a family. There used to be these things called floppy disks. My mom worked for a computer company, so she made extra money by peeling labels off floppy disks. We did it as a family. It's like peeling potatoes. It's the worst. But it's part of the grind.
Romans 5:3-5 says Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
"When hardship comes you have a choice, make excuses or grow through it"
When hardship comes you have a choice, make excuses or grow through it. Endure, find character, and cling to the hope found in Jesus. Jesus is my hope in the midst of challenging times. I can’t expound on that in a little blog post. But if you don’t know Jesus and are going through the difficulty of raising a kid on your own, there is hope with Jesus. I can’t imagine going through any challenge without Jesus and I’d love to talk more about that with you. You can email me at jason@wellspring.one
Father to the Fatherless?
When I was talking with my mom about this, she said a particular verse gave her incredible hope.
Psalm 68:5 Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.
It blew me away. She struggled trying to play the role of dad and mom. My dad was still present and a great father. Even with that, she felt the need to play dad and mom when he wasn’t around. She assumed a job that wasn’t meant for her. Can you relate as you are raising your child on your own? My mom was raising three boys.
To her this verse gave her great hope and a sense of release. She was able to see God as ultimate Father. In that reality, this wasn’t a job she had to take on. Her job became one of guidance. Guide her young boys to the ultimate Father. In a good marriage, bad marriage, in any relationship, there are highs and lows. There are joys and disappointments. In divorce we relate more to disappointment. So guide your kids to something that is constant. In my context that can only ever be Jesus. The Bible refers to Him as an anchor for the soul. Through the major hardships of life, I must hang on to Jesus and I must guide my kids to the only suitable anchor- Jesus. It’s not you. It’s not a pressure you’re meant to take on. Let Jesus have that pressure because only He can handle it.
"Through the major hardships of life, I must hang on to Jesus and I must guide my kids to the only suitable anchor- Jesus."
Communicate Well
Stress demands careful communication. Raising kids is stressful. Raising kids amidst a divorce is crazy stress. So, learn to communicate well. What you say can diffuse a situation or put gas on the fire. If the situation could ignite, what you say will be water or gas.
There is a Proverb that reads, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Prov. 15:1)
I’ve learned that saying “you” is rarely gentle. I’ve been taught that using “I” as often as I can will diffuse a situation.
It can be subtle but it makes a world of difference.
“You didn’t take out the trash, Timmy.” “Did the trash get taken out?” Both of these can make for an argument, but the first will put “Timmy” on the defensive. The second one is softer.
“Timmy, when you yell and scream it doesn’t produce anything good. When you scream at me, you are being a jerk.” “I feel like when voices are raised we don’t communicate well. I feel like it’s easy to come across harsh and that won’t be productive. Let’s lower our voices in conversation.”
"But I can be slow and careful in my communication to help my child respond well."
Again, can both fuel a situation? Sure. I can’t help how my child will respond. But I can be slow and careful in my communication to help my child respond well. When I do so, I am also teaching them good communication skills. Try to remove “you” from your communications, to keep your kid from going on the defensive.
Fake is never a place of strength
Lastly, many parents going through a hardship feel like they need to put up a front. Yes, they need to see strength. They need to stability. They need to see that you find that in God. Why? Because you’re not God. You’re human. Stop trying to play God in the situation. If you are not strong, don’t fake it till you make it. Perhaps, your kids need to see you struggle. Perhaps they need to see how you get out of the struggle. Perhaps they will learn from your place of learning. What fake thing is stronger than the real thing? If you have fake strength is that real strength?
"If you are not strong, don’t fake it till you make it. Perhaps, your kids need to see you struggle."
As you are learning, your kids will learn from you and that is healthy. So, get help. Take care of yourself. On a plane, they tell parents to put the mask on themselves first, then their kids. Why? In a weakened state you are unable to help your child. You must take care of yourself, and then take care of your kids from a place of REAL strength. When we take this approach, your kids are learning from you something real, authentic and reproducible. When we show them the fake stuff, that is often the stuff they can’t reproduce or create themselves. It leaves them frustrated. “My mom is so strong, she has no struggles, why can’t I?” Or, “My mom is really struggling, but she is fighting through. I can fight through this too.”
Romans 12:9 says Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.
Fake strength is not loving, it’s not genuine. A fake is often seen as evil. Strive for good. Good is being real, genuine and authentic. As you grow through it, you teach your kids they can grow through it as well.
Is this an exhaustive list? No, of course not. But I hope there are some thoughts in here that can have an immediate impact on your situation. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Point your kids to Jesus, the anchor for the soul.
Pray for One,
Pastor Jason Coache,
Lead Pastor of Wellspring Church
Click here to learn more about Wellspring Church in Toms River!
